“Addiction is the only disease that tells you don’t have a disease,” says Steve Palmer, co-founder of Ben’s Friends, a support group for those in F&B struggling with substance abuse and addiction. Palmer, who co-founded the group with Mickey Bakst, became sober 21 years ago after a restaurant intervention. At the time, he was encouraged to leave hospitality. Nobody in the sober community or the service industry could imagine an alcohol-free life within F&B. But Palmer knew there was a way to make it work. And he did.
“I got sober to have more of a life, not less of a life. My life is richer than I ever could have possibly imagined when I was drinking,” he explains during an Instagram Live with Bar & Restaurant’s Content & Editorial Director, Sarah Engstrand.
Though Palmer embraced sobriety in 2001, Ben’s Friends wasn’t formed until 2016, after the tragic death of chef Ben Murray. “I had known Ben for 20 years. He was helping us open a restaurant, and I put him up in a hotel. I had never seen him touch a drink, but I didn’t know he was struggling and in and out of detox,” remembers Palmer. One night Murray shot himself in his hotel room. “What’s so sad is that there were three other chefs in the restaurant that night, and they would have done anything to help him.”
Palmer knew he needed to do something, so he called Bakst. The two decided to start a sobriety community specifically for people in the F&B community, led by those who had achieved sobriety within the industry.
Ben’s Friends launched in 2016. Today, they have chapters in 14 cities and host 21 Zoom meetings a week. The Zoom meetings are new since COVID-19, and have proven highly successful. They allow Ben’s Friends to reach people around the country, and even the world. “Isolation is the enemy of sobriety and the friend of addiction. Early sobriety is not a place to be alone, so we were nervous when Covid-19 first started, but it started growing. It’s really been a blessing.”
In an effort to fully support our community, Bar & Restaurant has invited Ben’s Friends to our upcoming Bar & Restaurant Expo, held in Las Vegas March 21-23, 2022. Ben’s Friends will be participating in our conference program, as well as hosting their own sober space on the show floor. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with sobriety at the show, we encourage you to visit Ben’s Friends to receive support and guidance. Ben’s Friends will also be hosting sober meetings throughout the event.
Read on to learn more about Ben’s Friends, and how to recognize and address the signs of addiction.
What is attending a Ben's Friends meeting like?
Hopefully it feels like a big hug. One of the many beautiful aspects of Ben’s Friends is this sense of safety. Somebody walking into the room may not know who’s there, but they do. It’s a line cook, it’s a bartender it’s a chef. That creates a sense of belonging, even before we address why they’re here. What people can expect to find is love, acceptance and safety. The magic is in the community. No matter what somebody shares, someone else in the room has been through that, I promise.
What are the common signs to look for with substance abuse?
We get asked this question all the time. I think emotional volatility is the first sign. One day, this person is on top of the world and they’re a pleasure to deal with. The next day, they’re a tyrant and nobody wants to be around them. They’re showing up late, their uniform is dirty, the quality of their work is different.
If you think someone on your team has a substance abuse problem, what’s the best way to approach them?
It’s best to come from a place of care and concern, not a place of judgement. If you lead with, “You’re drinking too much,” it’s probably not going to go very well. If you lead with, “I really care about you, and I’m worried,” it’ll go much better. Most people who are sober are not sober on their first attempt. I don’t say that to discourage, I say that to encourage. It took me three tries to get sober. Just know that each conversation plants a seed. People need to hear the message over and over again.
How can operators create a healthier atmosphere within their bars and restaurants?
We took shift drinks out of our restaurants. We’re not anti-alcohol, we’re pro-sobriety and pro-healthy environment. We all know how short staffed the industry is. We need this industry to be seen as a professional career and a professional atmosphere. Part of creating a healthy atmosphere is normalizing mental health in your venues, providing resources like a list of therapists on the wall. It’s an ongoing dialogue, and a daily practice. When people feel safe, they’re going to tell you about what’s going on.
How can an operator or manager support someone on their team struggling with sobriety?
It’s important to recognize who is serious about their sobriety, and who is not. We have a sobriety policy. When somebody comes to us and says, “Look, I know I have a problem and I want to get better,” We set up a mutual agreement and set up the parameters. In early sobriety, accountability is everything. A sobriety policy doesn’t mean we’re giving you another chance without any structure. If you’re doing educational wine tastings or beer tastings, you need to be mindful. They may need to remove themselves. Be supportive, but don’t over do it. Don’t make it weird.
What separates Ben’s Friends from AA?
Ben’s Friends gives the emotional tools. Nobody can help a drunk more than another drunk. We really can teach people how to set boundaries at work, how to tell your employer that you’re sober. Addicts do not know how to effectively communicate their emotions, so being in a community like Ben’s Friends with other people who are living, breathing, working in this industry sober, gives you the tools you need to not drink in the business and thrive.
Find more information about Ben’s Friends at www.bensfriendshope.com
Bar & Restaurant Expo (formerly Nightclub & Bar Show) is a live, in-person event held March 21-23, 2022 at the Las Vegas Convention Center. Click here get your tickets now!
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